It's too difficult to go into too much detail, but Beefs coliced. The fiancé said it was okay to go ahead with the surgery as long as the vet was optimistic of his chances of survival. She wasn't. She wasn't even sure they could get him into the surgery room as soon as he would need to go. I would have paid any amount of money to save him, but I wasn't going to pay in excess of $10,000 to have him go through surgery, suffer a few days, and then have to be put down anyway. I've never seen a horse in so much pain, none of the medication had helped Beefheart at all. He kept falling down and whinnying. I couldn't take seeing him like that any longer and made the decision to put him down.
The fiancé has been in Hobbs for the last week, but JL and MB were there with Beefheart and I. I'm extremely grateful that they were because I'm not sure I could have handled making the decision I did without their support.
I miss Beefs so much. I always will. He was the horse that gave me back my confidence and taught me to enjoy riding again. Beefheart gave me so much happiness in general. Right now, I am just trying to focus on how lucky I was to have the time that I did with him.
So, I'll be okay. It's going to hurt like hell for a really long time, no doubt about that. I have had and probably will have mor breakdowns over losing him. The last few days have been filled with guilt, denial, hopelessness, anger, and about every other negative feeling in between. The worst is when I just become numb. I've had a lot of wonderful horses in my life over the years, but I have never gotten as attached to one as I did Beefheart. Through him, I was finally getting the dedication and love of riding that I used to have back. He helped me put my heart back into it and I will always be thankful for that.
A company has generously donated product for me to do a giveaway. I owe it to them to get this contest going and I need to do something fun and distracting, this will be good for me. Contest details coming soon.
I somehow missed your last post...I am so so so so sorry to her this! So many *hugs*
ReplyDeleteThank you
DeleteOh my... I am sooo sorry to hear... Hugs...
ReplyDeleteIt's going to get worse before it gets better but I promise you... It does get better. Two points of advice that really got me through. Cry it out, then ride it out. And if you have to cry it out again, do it. <3 Oh, and if you need to blast angry, angsty, or heartfelt tunes... That's always good too. :)
ReplyDeleteVery good tips. Thank you. I've definitely been crying it out and even forced myself to ride a couple the other day. It sucked seeing Beef's empty pen, but the riding gave me my only moments of anything close to happiness the last few days.
DeleteFeel the weight of every emotion. To deny the feeling is just to prolong it. Words are never enough, time barely is. :(
ReplyDeleteYou're absolutely right. I'm really bad about holding things in, but if I do that over losing Beefs, it will eat me alive. Thank you. I know that you can completely relate and really appreciate your advice.
Deleteif you need someone to just dump emotions onto my inbox is open lnwillia (at) gmail . com
DeleteThanks!
DeleteI wish I could say something that could help, but just know we are here for you. It sounds like you made a good decision for him, even if it is harder for you. You are a true horsewoman. Much love sent your way. Take it easy. And it is definitely okay to cry. I am.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. Everything you said means so much to me.
DeleteTime makes it easier as you start to think of other things, but thoughts of Beefs will always bring smiles and tears. Cry it out girl. Make sure you keep hugging horses, they offer the best comfort. One foot in front of the other, you will get through.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate it. The love from the other horses is definitely helping. Running around like a crazy person has helped too. I don't have time to shut down no matter how bad I want to.
DeleteThere's nothing good to say when it comes to unexpected loss like this, I am so sorry you're going through this. I wish you could have had him forever. My mom always says we love them as long as we have them, and it's never long enough. You're in my thoughts!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much and I completely agree with your mom. She's absolutely right.
DeleteWhat everyone else said... and sending more hugs your way. It's simply not fair how soon some of them are taken from us.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate it and I agree, it's absolutely not fair.
DeleteOh no, I somehow missed your post! :( I'm so sorry, sending hugs!! I can't even imagine.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
DeleteI'm so sorry. I know exactly what you mean about having a horse that brings back your passion and motivates you again. I have one of those horses, and I don't know what I'll do when he's gone.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing Beefheart with us. I have always believed that no one is truly dead as long as we remember them. By sharing Beefy with us, you have guaranteed his immortality. He will live forever in the stories you have shared with us. Thank you.
Thank you so much! I'm really glad that I had this blog to record so many photos and memories of him.
DeleteI have no words to help comfort you. Crying is necessary as is knowing you did everything for him. Your love for him & he you shone through your posts. He really is special and although your time together has been cut short his impact on your life is forever.
ReplyDeleteThank you. He definitely made my life better and I'm trying to use what he gave/taught me while riding my other horses. Nothing can take the joy from him away if I don't let it. It's not easy, but I'm trying.
DeleteJodi, I'm so, so sorry to hear about Beefs. While there really are no words that will make things better, just know that we are all here for you and are saddened by the loss of your beautiful boy. Thank you for sharing him with us ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words. I'm so glad that I could share him with everyone.
DeleteI am so desperately sad for your loss and for the way you lost him. What a terrible experience. We have them for so short a time. You'll both be in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThank you. It was awful and I still am having a hard time accepting that he won't be waiting at the gate for me when I go out to ride
DeleteSo very sorry to hear this but it sounds like you made the right decision.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I hope so, but what it's definitely keep popping into my head.
DeleteNo words can ever make it better, and my heart aches for you and your loss. Know that I am virtually hugging you <3 You are a strong lady.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate it. Thank you.
DeleteI am so sorry for your terrible loss. You are in my thoughts, and I hope you are able to find comfort amid the pain.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing more heart breaking than having to say goodbye to a wonderful friend. In time you will feel better but for now cry as much as you need to, it will help.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I've certainly done my fait share of crying. I'm hoping that part passes soon.
DeleteSo heart breaking. Not much I know to say besides you have my support and I'm so sorry for the entire situation.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Your support means so much to me.
DeleteI am so heartbroken for you and for your boy. I'm so sorry. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteGrief is the price we pay for love...
ReplyDeleteIt never totally goes away, but the times when you remember and smile eventually outnumber the others. Take care of yourself. (((hugs)))
So true. I appreciate it.
DeleteI didn't see that last post. I'm so very sorry and hope you can make it through this rough time.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I'll be okay, it's just going to take some time.
DeleteI'm so sorry to hear this, I missed the last post. Sending hugs. :(
ReplyDeleteI'm so, so sorry. It is one of the hardest things we have to go through, but like you said you will survive. It's been eight months since I lost my dog that I had for almost half my life and I still dream about her and cry for her, but it does get easier. I don't feel numb or guilty anymore and I can smile when I think about her. I'm so sorry his death was so traumatic. I can't even imagine what that was like. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about your dog! Thanks, I really appreciate it.
DeleteAlong with everyone else: I am so very sorry for your loss. Having lost a very precious equine myself just a few years ago (inoperable colic), I can only offer a hug from afar. I was shocked at how deeply I grieved. I felt her passing as acutely as if she had been a human member of my family. I wish you peace of heart as you grieve for your own dear friend.
ReplyDeleteThank you and that is definitely how I'm feeling. I'm glad to know that it isn't out of the norm.
DeleteYou clearly made the right decision, but it doesn't make it easier or make sense at all. Not fair and incredibly difficult. You have every right to feel sad. Beefs was a great horse. Lots of hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you. It means a lot to me.
DeleteJodi, I can't imagine what you're going through right now. I am really impressed how composed you are writing about Beefheart, even though I'm sure it's extremely emotional. He was a really awesome horse, and I, for one, and really glad you shared him with us. It was obvious how much he meant to you. My thoughts are definitely with you.
ReplyDeleteThank you Austen. I'm not feeling very composed, but I'm glad that I'm not coming across as a complete emotional wreck. I'm so glass now that I recorded so much of him this last year.
DeleteThere are never enough words to convey the sorrow or the loss, but please know that our thoughts are with you. Give your heart time to heal - however much it takes. Many hugs.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate it, thank you.
Deletei am just so very sorry for your loss
ReplyDeleteThank you.
DeleteI am so sorry to hear about this. I can't imagine what it would be like to go through this. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteThank you. It's been pretty awful, but will get better eventually.
Delete