I will survive

The purpose of human life is to serve, and to show compassion and the will to help others. 

Albert Schweitzer

Or at least I keep telling myself that. Sometimes I'm not sure whether or not I can make it through the next few weeks here in good old Hellbuquerque. The area around the track feels like one giant death trap between the way people drive and all of the druggies about. Not to mention, there's enough less than intelligent people around to give a girl a nervous breakdown (seriously, my left eye has been going into twitching fits since I've been here, which is just disturbing). I was done with this place before I got here and I'm now so far beyond that point, I don't even think there are words to describe how I feel. 

It's possible that the area of Albuquerque that I spend most of my time in (there really are good parts of this city) is just so different from home that it's a culture shock. I'm not the type to get homesick, but this place is enough to make me miss that clean and safe feeling that Idaho gives people (for the most part). I think I can recall a total of about three times that a stranger came up and asked me for money in Idaho and they usually needed it for gas which was what they were really using it for. Here, it happens almost daily, sometimes two or three times. Usually some tweaker comes up saying they need money for the bus and you still see them at the same bus stop four hours later. The only thing that has changed is that they aren't shaking as much. Don't get me wrong, I'm a softie and it's very hard for me to say no to people. If it's someone that seems at least remotely sober and I don't feel like I'm getting fed a complete line of bullshit, I will give them some money. I'll put gas in someone's car if they ask or buy them something to eat and drink. However, I have a very difficult time contributing to someone so I can support a drug habit that will kill them and there aren't many people around here that are down and out just because of bad luck alone. My favorite part is when they get all pissed off at me for not giving them a hand out. Or when I'm sitting in my vehicle and they come up and knock on my window, insisting that I roll it down and won't go away. Or when I don't even want to walk into a business because I can see them just waiting for me to get out of my truck. Yep, I miss Idaho or pretty much any place I've ever been other than here.

The absolute worst part, is that I pretty much hate them. That's not me, I don't just hate people that I don't even know. Helping people makes me happy, I usually want to do what I can for them. When did I become so judgemental and lose my compassion? I've had people help me so much throughout my life, I should want to give back. These people have been written off as lost causes, which most probably are, and I despise them for it. They're beyond help, so now they're  just an inconvenience? That's just so wrong and yet I can't help but feel the way I do.

So maybe I'm proving myself to be quite the whining bitch as I sit here well fed, with a safe and warm place to sleep, typing this on my iPad while there are people that not only have nothing, but no one in their life. Maybe I'm insane for even letting the situation in this city bother me. One way or another, it does bother me though. I'm just not sure whether it's on a personal level or a moral one.

 

Haven of horses

*I promise that this entire post isn't negative.

So here I am in Albuquerque. Again. Life has been crazy busy since we've arrived. I've kept up with reading my Feedly, but haven't had time to comment on posts much. Hopefully, things will level out here soon and I can be more involved with the blogging world.

I'll try to keep this update as short as possible. Let's see, where to start....

The Downs at Hellbuquerque 

Zorro hates it here too.

I feel no need to sugarcoat my feelings towards this place, so I'll just be blunt. I freaking hate almost every minute I'm at the track. Don't get me wrong, I obviously love the horses and I love racing. That doesn't mean that I have to love this track too. I spend most of my mornings pissed off, exhausted, and partially depressed. There are some very good people here that I do really like and they help make it better. It's still a long ways from good though. By the end of the morning I just want to get the hell out of there and to my saving grace: the dressage horses. I guess that's one good thing about despising being at the track so much, my motivation to go ride has increased exponentially.

Speaking of which:

Beefheart

I had a great, and much needed, lesson on him Saturday with JL, my trainer. We went to a schooling show on Sunday (there isn't a recognized show here until mid October). Beefs was AWESOME! We did very well in our classes, but that wasn't that big of a deal. What I was most happy about was how well behaved he was! Seriously, he was better at the show than he is at home. The arena itself wasn't scary, but there is a soccer field next to it, a raised trail on one end (which includes horses trotting by, people walking with dogs or strollers, runners, etc.) with a gate so anyone could come off of the trail right next to the arena, and the drunk guys running around on their horses (one of which that fell off and his horse got loose and ran into the warm-up arena). There were also two little kids that decided to race each other right next to the show arena, which fortunately didn't happen during my ride. Then there was the ignorant jack ass that enjoys trotting up your horses ass and about running into you any chance he got. Anyway, Beefs never spooked and he kept his focus better than he ever has before. I thought I hadn't taken him to a show in three years, but it has actually been almost four. This was only his third show, so it's not like he has ever been a seasoned veteran. He pretty much acted like one though. This makes me so happy because I want him to be my niece's show horse when she gets a little older. I think with a couple more years experience, he will be an awesome first dressage horse for her!

Watching the videos, I'm not happy with my riding. At all. I will just have to keep trying, work harder. The judge did tell me later on that we beat a really nice (more talented) horse because our test was so smooth and accurate. At least I did that much right.

His training level score was high enough to win High Point. He got a new bridle for it!

The first level score about shocked the hell out of me.

Barstow

This mare has so much potential! She's smart, athletic, and beautiful. Barstow only ran three weeks ago, so she is still a little racey, but she doesn't forget what she learns. I think she really enjoys the more laid back, slower-paced atmosphere. The hardest part is going to be not getting attached to her.

Winndelynn (sorryI forgot/haven't been able to get pics yet)

I was feeling bad about not getting much done with Indy this summer (I wasn't very comfortabcomfortablee riding her at the track), but I think the time for her to mature mentally and physically was a good thing. Indy fell while she was on the walker the spring of her three year old year and my previously gorgeous moving filly just wasn't quite right after. She wasn't lame, just didn't have much flexibility in her neck or freedom in her shoulders. I had L, the best I've ever worked with, adjust her and do laser therapy this spring. Indy was much better after and I think fixing her before she had the break made her much better. She is moving gorgeous and is a lot more mature, not over reactive or spooky like before. Suddenly, all of my dreams for her don't seem hopeless anymore. My trainer's wife, MB, asked why I didn't do the four year old classes with her this year. That was something that I had originally wanted to aim for, I really don't think she could have handled the pressure though. We're going to see how she does these next few weeks and then decide if it's worth trying to show the five year old young horse classes. The fact that JL and MB even think that she might have the talent to be competitive makes me feel a whole lot better. 

*After the show on Sunday JL told me we really need to focus on Indy while I'm here. He knows how much I love Beefs, but he made a very good point. While Beefs is a nice horse, it's going to be hard for him to compete against huge moving warmbloods at bigger shows in areas with tougher competition. JL isn't putting Beefs down or anything, just being honest. He's right and I really do need to make her my biggest priority.

Gunner

Love my Gunner!

After I got off of him today, I told MB that it really annoys me that Gunner has probably only had about ten dressage rides since last year (he was ponying at the track), has about 1/20 of the training that Beefs does, hasn't been ridden in almost two months, and he still goes better than Beefs. Talk about being happy, yet wanting to cry at the same time. Gunner is more like a warmblood than a thoroughbred. He has a ton of natural talent with big movement and suspension. Dressage just comes naturally to him. He's not nearly as intelligent as Beefs though. Gunner is as sweet as can be, but in all honesty, he isn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. That doesn't mean that I don't still obsolutely love him. The fact that I could just jump on and go after he hasn't been ridden in that long makes him worth his weight in gold.

Other than the track, I'm really happy right now. I've been out to JL and MB's every day since I've been here. I've ridden every day except two. One day it was raining and the other was the day after the show. I'd gotten so sun burnt at the show that I was really sick that night and totally drained the  next day. I still went out to see the horses. I enjoy everything about being out there. Four horses to ride on top of working my ass off at the track might kill me. At least I'll die happy. Their barn is my safe haven while I'm surrounded by Hell.