RtR

RtR

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Pushing through

I want to say thank you to everyone for your condolences, thoughts, and prayers. It's been a rough few days and my heart is broken, but I'm surviving. Again, thank you for your support.




It's too difficult to go into too much detail, but Beefs coliced. The fiancé said it was okay to go ahead with the surgery as long as the vet was optimistic of his chances of survival. She wasn't. She wasn't even sure they could get him into the surgery room as soon as he would need to go. I would have paid any amount of money to save him, but I wasn't going to pay in excess of $10,000 to have him go through surgery, suffer a few days, and then have to be put down anyway. I've never seen a horse in so much pain, none of the medication had helped Beefheart at all. He kept falling down and whinnying. I couldn't take seeing him like that any longer and made the decision to put him down.

The fiancé has been in Hobbs for the last week, but JL and MB were there with Beefheart and I.  I'm extremely grateful that they were because I'm not sure I could have handled making the decision I did without their support.



I miss Beefs so much. I always will. He was the horse that gave me back my confidence and taught me to enjoy riding again. Beefheart gave me so much happiness in general. Right now, I am just trying to focus on how lucky I was to have the time that I did with him.

So, I'll be okay. It's going to hurt like hell for a really long time, no doubt about that. I have had and probably will have mor breakdowns over losing him. The last few days have been filled with guilt, denial, hopelessness, anger, and about every other negative feeling in between. The worst is when I just become numb. I've had a lot of wonderful horses in my life over the years, but I have never gotten as attached to one as I did Beefheart. Through him, I was finally getting the dedication and love of riding that I used to have back. He helped me put my heart back into it and I will always be thankful for that.

A company has generously donated product for me to do a giveaway. I owe it to them to get this contest going and I need to do something fun and distracting, this will be good for me. Contest details coming soon.
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56 comments:

  1. MareOctober 15, 2014 at 6:30 PM

    I somehow missed your last post...I am so so so so sorry to her this! So many *hugs*

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  2. JWallOctober 15, 2014 at 6:41 PM

    Oh my... I am sooo sorry to hear... Hugs...

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  3. Madeline C.October 15, 2014 at 6:48 PM

    It's going to get worse before it gets better but I promise you... It does get better. Two points of advice that really got me through. Cry it out, then ride it out. And if you have to cry it out again, do it. <3 Oh, and if you need to blast angry, angsty, or heartfelt tunes... That's always good too. :)

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    1. JodiOctober 16, 2014 at 9:25 AM

      Very good tips. Thank you. I've definitely been crying it out and even forced myself to ride a couple the other day. It sucked seeing Beef's empty pen, but the riding gave me my only moments of anything close to happiness the last few days.

      Delete
  4. L.WilliamsOctober 15, 2014 at 6:55 PM

    Feel the weight of every emotion. To deny the feeling is just to prolong it. Words are never enough, time barely is. :(

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    1. JodiOctober 16, 2014 at 9:27 AM

      You're absolutely right. I'm really bad about holding things in, but if I do that over losing Beefs, it will eat me alive. Thank you. I know that you can completely relate and really appreciate your advice.

      Delete
    2. L.WilliamsOctober 16, 2014 at 2:35 PM

      if you need someone to just dump emotions onto my inbox is open lnwillia (at) gmail . com

      Delete
    3. JodiOctober 19, 2014 at 5:33 AM

      Thanks!

      Delete
  5. Laur @FMHHOctober 15, 2014 at 7:23 PM

    I wish I could say something that could help, but just know we are here for you. It sounds like you made a good decision for him, even if it is harder for you. You are a true horsewoman. Much love sent your way. Take it easy. And it is definitely okay to cry. I am.

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    1. JodiOctober 16, 2014 at 9:28 AM

      Thank you so much. Everything you said means so much to me.

      Delete
  6. redheadlinsOctober 15, 2014 at 7:38 PM

    Time makes it easier as you start to think of other things, but thoughts of Beefs will always bring smiles and tears. Cry it out girl. Make sure you keep hugging horses, they offer the best comfort. One foot in front of the other, you will get through.

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    1. JodiOctober 16, 2014 at 9:30 AM

      I appreciate it. The love from the other horses is definitely helping. Running around like a crazy person has helped too. I don't have time to shut down no matter how bad I want to.

      Delete
  7. JenOctober 15, 2014 at 7:47 PM

    There's nothing good to say when it comes to unexpected loss like this, I am so sorry you're going through this. I wish you could have had him forever. My mom always says we love them as long as we have them, and it's never long enough. You're in my thoughts!

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    1. JodiOctober 16, 2014 at 9:32 AM

      Thanks so much and I completely agree with your mom. She's absolutely right.

      Delete
  8. JessicaOctober 15, 2014 at 7:59 PM

    What everyone else said... and sending more hugs your way. It's simply not fair how soon some of them are taken from us.

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    1. JodiOctober 16, 2014 at 9:33 AM

      I really appreciate it and I agree, it's absolutely not fair.

      Delete
  9. KalinOctober 15, 2014 at 8:07 PM

    Oh no, I somehow missed your post! :( I'm so sorry, sending hugs!! I can't even imagine.

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  10. A Work In ProgressOctober 15, 2014 at 8:48 PM

    I'm so sorry. I know exactly what you mean about having a horse that brings back your passion and motivates you again. I have one of those horses, and I don't know what I'll do when he's gone.

    Thank you for sharing Beefheart with us. I have always believed that no one is truly dead as long as we remember them. By sharing Beefy with us, you have guaranteed his immortality. He will live forever in the stories you have shared with us. Thank you.

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    1. JodiOctober 16, 2014 at 9:35 AM

      Thank you so much! I'm really glad that I had this blog to record so many photos and memories of him.

      Delete
  11. AoifeOctober 15, 2014 at 10:14 PM

    I have no words to help comfort you. Crying is necessary as is knowing you did everything for him. Your love for him & he you shone through your posts. He really is special and although your time together has been cut short his impact on your life is forever.

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    1. JodiOctober 16, 2014 at 9:38 AM

      Thank you. He definitely made my life better and I'm trying to use what he gave/taught me while riding my other horses. Nothing can take the joy from him away if I don't let it. It's not easy, but I'm trying.

      Delete
  12. JennOctober 16, 2014 at 5:23 AM

    Jodi, I'm so, so sorry to hear about Beefs. While there really are no words that will make things better, just know that we are all here for you and are saddened by the loss of your beautiful boy. Thank you for sharing him with us ((hugs))

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    1. JodiOctober 16, 2014 at 9:39 AM

      Thank you for your kind words. I'm so glad that I could share him with everyone.

      Delete
  13. AmandaOctober 16, 2014 at 6:25 AM

    I am so desperately sad for your loss and for the way you lost him. What a terrible experience. We have them for so short a time. You'll both be in my thoughts.

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    1. JodiOctober 16, 2014 at 9:41 AM

      Thank you. It was awful and I still am having a hard time accepting that he won't be waiting at the gate for me when I go out to ride

      Delete
  14. AnonymousOctober 16, 2014 at 7:18 AM

    So very sorry to hear this but it sounds like you made the right decision.

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    1. JodiOctober 16, 2014 at 9:41 AM

      Thank you. I hope so, but what it's definitely keep popping into my head.

      Delete
  15. CathrynOctober 16, 2014 at 7:28 AM

    No words can ever make it better, and my heart aches for you and your loss. Know that I am virtually hugging you <3 You are a strong lady.

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  16. KristenOctober 16, 2014 at 7:29 AM

    I am so sorry for your terrible loss. You are in my thoughts, and I hope you are able to find comfort amid the pain.

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  17. Grey Horse MattersOctober 16, 2014 at 8:05 AM

    There is nothing more heart breaking than having to say goodbye to a wonderful friend. In time you will feel better but for now cry as much as you need to, it will help.

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    1. JodiOctober 16, 2014 at 9:43 AM

      Thank you. I've certainly done my fait share of crying. I'm hoping that part passes soon.

      Delete
  18. Lauren @ She Moved To TexasOctober 16, 2014 at 8:21 AM

    So heart breaking. Not much I know to say besides you have my support and I'm so sorry for the entire situation.

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    1. JodiOctober 16, 2014 at 9:44 AM

      Thank you. Your support means so much to me.

      Delete
  19. ErikaOctober 16, 2014 at 11:18 AM

    I am so heartbroken for you and for your boy. I'm so sorry. *hugs*

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  20. Calm, Forward, StraightOctober 16, 2014 at 12:55 PM

    Grief is the price we pay for love...

    It never totally goes away, but the times when you remember and smile eventually outnumber the others. Take care of yourself. (((hugs)))

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  21. PaolaOctober 16, 2014 at 1:25 PM

    I didn't see that last post. I'm so very sorry and hope you can make it through this rough time.

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    1. JodiOctober 18, 2014 at 8:13 PM

      Thank you. I'll be okay, it's just going to take some time.

      Delete
  22. KateRoseOctober 16, 2014 at 5:23 PM

    I'm so sorry to hear this, I missed the last post. Sending hugs. :(

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  23. Achieve1dreamOctober 16, 2014 at 6:26 PM

    I'm so, so sorry. It is one of the hardest things we have to go through, but like you said you will survive. It's been eight months since I lost my dog that I had for almost half my life and I still dream about her and cry for her, but it does get easier. I don't feel numb or guilty anymore and I can smile when I think about her. I'm so sorry his death was so traumatic. I can't even imagine what that was like. *hugs*

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    1. JodiOctober 18, 2014 at 8:16 PM

      I'm sorry about your dog! Thanks, I really appreciate it.

      Delete
  24. Bakersfield DressageOctober 16, 2014 at 6:27 PM

    Along with everyone else: I am so very sorry for your loss. Having lost a very precious equine myself just a few years ago (inoperable colic), I can only offer a hug from afar. I was shocked at how deeply I grieved. I felt her passing as acutely as if she had been a human member of my family. I wish you peace of heart as you grieve for your own dear friend.

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    1. JodiOctober 18, 2014 at 8:17 PM

      Thank you and that is definitely how I'm feeling. I'm glad to know that it isn't out of the norm.

      Delete
  25. savvymomOctober 16, 2014 at 10:58 PM

    You clearly made the right decision, but it doesn't make it easier or make sense at all. Not fair and incredibly difficult. You have every right to feel sad. Beefs was a great horse. Lots of hugs.

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  26. AustenOctober 17, 2014 at 8:08 AM

    Jodi, I can't imagine what you're going through right now. I am really impressed how composed you are writing about Beefheart, even though I'm sure it's extremely emotional. He was a really awesome horse, and I, for one, and really glad you shared him with us. It was obvious how much he meant to you. My thoughts are definitely with you.

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    1. JodiOctober 18, 2014 at 8:24 PM

      Thank you Austen. I'm not feeling very composed, but I'm glad that I'm not coming across as a complete emotional wreck. I'm so glass now that I recorded so much of him this last year.

      Delete
  27. jenjOctober 17, 2014 at 8:38 AM

    There are never enough words to convey the sorrow or the loss, but please know that our thoughts are with you. Give your heart time to heal - however much it takes. Many hugs.

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  28. emmaOctober 17, 2014 at 9:41 AM

    i am just so very sorry for your loss

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  29. Laura @ Bit by BitOctober 20, 2014 at 8:31 PM

    I am so sorry to hear about this. I can't imagine what it would be like to go through this. Thinking of you!

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    Replies
    1. JodiOctober 21, 2014 at 6:52 AM

      Thank you. It's been pretty awful, but will get better eventually.

      Delete

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